During the time I was getting ready to move, I sent out an email to a few trusted friends and family to pray for God's direction on where I was to go. One of the responses I received was from Lenny, a fellow church member and my niece's step-grandfather (my brother's ex-girlfriend's mom's husband) who had often taken in people who needed a place to stay. He offered a room for me, if needed. But at the time, I had committed to moving in with my brother and his family. At the time Lenny offered me a place to stay, his wife, Vicki was undergoing tests to find out why she was falling and seemed to be losing strength in her left leg.
Early in May 2008, Vicki was diagnosed with ALS (Lou Gehrig's Disease). It was shortly after when God started speaking to me about moving in with them to assist with Vicki. I had been blessed to have worked in a job that taught me how to care for other's physical needs and I was comfortable with the things that most cringe about. So at the beginning of June, God moved my heart and my home to Avon, IN. Initially, there was nothing I needed to do, but later in the year, Vicki stopped being able to walk on her own. From then on, it was as if about every three weeks, Vicki lost more and more independence. By Christmas, we were all well aware that this was probably her last Christmas here on earth. She was in a hospital bed in her living room from this point on. Daily, Vicki was losing muscle mass and she grew increasingly sensitive to things like wrinkles in her bed sheets - they were more like a rugged terrain under her body. Hairs that had fallen off her head and onto the bed were like sticks poking her bare skin. What most people take for granted, snuggling in and adjusting for a comfortable night's sleep turned into 2 or more hours of smoothing wrinkles, de-hairing the bed, removing dirt particles and adjusting her arms, legs and head into positions that would be semi-comfortable for the next 8 hours while she attempted to sleep. More often than not, during these times, we found things to laugh and joke about. Once, after taking her pain med, she asked me to put my left foot under her right leg and smooth the sheet. Unaware of what she had just asked and exhausted from the constant moving of her limbs, I followed her command and we both laughed until we had tears running down our cheeks. During the worst of the worst times, when she was scared or hurting or frustrated, she would ask for us to pray with her. I cannot remember a time when she asked "why me?" Instead, she asked that God use this for His glory. In the time I had the awesome blessing of being in Vicki's presence as she deteriorated, it was as if each obstacle only brought her closer to our Lord and Savior in her spirit. In those 11 months I spent with Vicki, I learned what faith meant - to live it each day, to wake up and give it ALL to God - to trust even when everything seems to be hanging in the balance. "Faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things unseen" Hebrews 11:1.
Early in the first week of May 2009, Vicki's sister was over as she was often to help, visit or just be there and Vicki was having a very painful and difficult evening. She asked me to pray and just before I did, she lifted her head as much as she could and looked me square in the eye and said, "Pray what is on your heart, not what you think I want you to pray." So I prayed that God would provide a miracle recovery, but only if it was His will. If not, then that he take her quickly and not make her suffer long.
On May 8th, I told Lenny to go to bed and I would stay down with Vicki that night so that he could get sleep. This was the usual for the weekends - I worked full time during the week while Lenny cared for Vicki 24 hours a day - total care. He fed her, assisted her in personal care and so on. It was more exhausting than anyone could possibly imagine. That night, Vicki could not get comfortable which was not unusual, but this night was different. It had been almost two weeks since she had eaten and her urine was dark brown. She was unusually restless and unable to get any relief from the pain. The next morning, I went to bed around 9AM absolutely exhausted from moving arms and legs about every 15 minutes throughout the night. Sitting the bed up and laying it down. Smoothing out wrinkles and readjusting her legs. Tilting her head to one side and then to the other. I fell asleep quickly. At noon, there was a knock on my bedroom door - Tonya (Vicki's daughter and the mother to my niece) said that her mom was getting ready to go to the hospital and wanted me to know. Something within me knew that this was the last time she would be in her home. I spent that afternoon sleeping while the family was at the hospital helping the doctors and nurses calm Vicki, who was fighting everything because of sheer exhaustion and emaciation. She fought with all she had. The next five evenings, I went to visit and sit with Vicki at the hospital. Family was there almost constantly, friends and church family in and out. Vicki was incoherent most of the stay but did communicate that she was ready to "go home". With the faith that Vicki had, I am certain she meant Heaven. I went to work the morning of May 15th and shortly after noon, I received the call from Vicki's sister that she had passed away. Lenny had called Tom and Tonya (Vicki's children) to come to the hospital, but did not tell them she had passed to ensure their safe arrival. I picked up Vicki's mother and headed to the hospital. She was also unaware that Vicki had already gone to Heaven. The rest of the day and next few days were a blur. But in the end, Vicki's life counted for the Kingdom of Jesus - lives were transformed by her courage and faith to stand in the face of adversity, physical pain and even death with the strength of her Maker.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Illogical Logic
I try to remember where it began - The Journey. It is impossible to pin-point because every time I think, "I'll start there", I am reminded of a previous event/moment/awakening. So for the sake of getting started somewhere, I will start with the moment God began a new work in me.
Early in 2008, I was sitting in my apartment and God began speaking to me about my life. To clarify, I did not hear an actual voice, per say. It was more of an echo in my heart that was familiar and I know it was God speaking through the Holy Spirit. It was almost a "Christmas Carol" moment where the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future took me down this dark hall of who I had been and if I continued, the person I would become. He showed me what I had - a nice apartment with my two dogs, a way too expenisve car, nice things, nice clothes, etc. From the outside, it all looked so beautiful, but inside I was a wretch. God began revealing to me was that there was no substance. For the previous ten years, I had been attending the same church and while a few people knew who I was, there were many more who would probably not even recognize my face or know my name. For years, I wallowed in self-pity, getting upset and thinking that the people there didn't care or want to be a part of my life or they would make an effort to get to know me.... What God showed me is that I was the one who did not care or want to be a part of my life, much less anyone else's life. OUCH! And thus began the moment when God began something new in my life.
It was not long after that eye-opening experience when I began getting rid of the "things" in my life. I started with cleaning out closets, desk drawers, clothes, books, CDs and eventually moved to the furniture. I downsized my car to minimize my payments and be more economical. During this process I got rid of most all my "wants" and kept only what I truly needed. In this process, I decided to move back in with my old room mate. But from the moment we began rearranging their apartment to accomodate what I had left, something was bothering me in the core of my soul... It was just a few days before the scheduled move when I stopped by the apartment to drop off some clothes and got sick while there. It was not from anything I had eaten, I had no virus or anything that "caused" it. I had this overwhelming feeling that I was making a mistake I would forever regret. However, I continued on in that direction because of many reasons - money, she was a second mom to my dogs, convenience and most of all because I knew her - she was dependable and trustworthy. By all standards, from anyone's perspective it was the logical thing to do. But on the morning of April 27, 2008, the day I was supposed to move, I had a meltdown. God was screaming "NO!" via the Holy Spirit. I knew in that moment, if I moved back in with her, I would regret it the rest of my life. But this seemed crazy - it was just a move with someone I had lived with before. Looking back from the perspective of having walked through that leg of my journey, I understand what God was doing, but at the time - it was illogical. It was silly. It made no sense. But what I have come to know about the character of God is that He knows better than we do and He rarely works to the human standard of logic. I had to make a decision that day - follow God or follow self.
We talk about faith in a cerebral-sense, but practicing faith is not easy. It sounds nice - "to have faith". But true faith walks into an unknown situation, despite all the logical reasons why not to - with fear in her heart, but peace in her soul.
Telling Susan I would not be moving in may have been one of the most difficult conversations I have ever had with her, but she was graceful - and for that I am thankful. Neither of us understood why God wasn't allowing me back there, but it was clear that I was not to go. Shortly after our conversation, my brother showed up to help me move. I shared with him what was going on and though he never said it, I am certain he toyed with calling the psychiatric ward to come and have me hauled off. Instead, he offered for me and my dogs to come and stay with him and his family for as long as I needed. It would mean living with two boys, 3 and 6 years old. This was not what I had in mind, but at this point I was not walking in my own strength and oh by the way I HAD to be out of my apartment in 3 more days.
Uncertain of what God was doing, I left to take a few things to Goodwill and on my way there, God gave me a moment of peace in the midst of the chaos. Thinking back on the day and remembering the internal turmoil I was feeling brings a smile to my face because of what happened next. It reminds me that God cares about even the small details.... As I sat at the red light, I was in the far right lane of three lanes. I was behind a few cars and there were several cars behind me. Two lanes over, there were about 10 cars waiting to turn. Between our lane and the far left lane was an empty lane, no cars - just a little sparrow. I watched as I waited and this little bird had no care that on either side of her were vehicles that could take her life in a matter of seconds. She was eating something on the ground and eventually flew away. As I watched her, God reminded me of the verse in the bible from Matthew (6:25-27) where Jesus tells us not to worry about everyday life - whether we have enough food or drink or clothes. He says, "Look at the birds. They don't plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren't you far more valuable to Him than they are?" And with that, my fears were relieved. A few days later I moved in with my brother and his family while I waited up on the Lord.
Sometimes God allows us to go through events that are difficult to build our reliance on Him. It is a sad truth that if we never had difficulties, we would never depend on God alone. It has always been in times of trial that my faith grows. James 1:1-4 says, "Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing." But this was just the beginning. What God was about to do, I could never have imagined....
Early in 2008, I was sitting in my apartment and God began speaking to me about my life. To clarify, I did not hear an actual voice, per say. It was more of an echo in my heart that was familiar and I know it was God speaking through the Holy Spirit. It was almost a "Christmas Carol" moment where the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future took me down this dark hall of who I had been and if I continued, the person I would become. He showed me what I had - a nice apartment with my two dogs, a way too expenisve car, nice things, nice clothes, etc. From the outside, it all looked so beautiful, but inside I was a wretch. God began revealing to me was that there was no substance. For the previous ten years, I had been attending the same church and while a few people knew who I was, there were many more who would probably not even recognize my face or know my name. For years, I wallowed in self-pity, getting upset and thinking that the people there didn't care or want to be a part of my life or they would make an effort to get to know me.... What God showed me is that I was the one who did not care or want to be a part of my life, much less anyone else's life. OUCH! And thus began the moment when God began something new in my life.
It was not long after that eye-opening experience when I began getting rid of the "things" in my life. I started with cleaning out closets, desk drawers, clothes, books, CDs and eventually moved to the furniture. I downsized my car to minimize my payments and be more economical. During this process I got rid of most all my "wants" and kept only what I truly needed. In this process, I decided to move back in with my old room mate. But from the moment we began rearranging their apartment to accomodate what I had left, something was bothering me in the core of my soul... It was just a few days before the scheduled move when I stopped by the apartment to drop off some clothes and got sick while there. It was not from anything I had eaten, I had no virus or anything that "caused" it. I had this overwhelming feeling that I was making a mistake I would forever regret. However, I continued on in that direction because of many reasons - money, she was a second mom to my dogs, convenience and most of all because I knew her - she was dependable and trustworthy. By all standards, from anyone's perspective it was the logical thing to do. But on the morning of April 27, 2008, the day I was supposed to move, I had a meltdown. God was screaming "NO!" via the Holy Spirit. I knew in that moment, if I moved back in with her, I would regret it the rest of my life. But this seemed crazy - it was just a move with someone I had lived with before. Looking back from the perspective of having walked through that leg of my journey, I understand what God was doing, but at the time - it was illogical. It was silly. It made no sense. But what I have come to know about the character of God is that He knows better than we do and He rarely works to the human standard of logic. I had to make a decision that day - follow God or follow self.
We talk about faith in a cerebral-sense, but practicing faith is not easy. It sounds nice - "to have faith". But true faith walks into an unknown situation, despite all the logical reasons why not to - with fear in her heart, but peace in her soul.
Telling Susan I would not be moving in may have been one of the most difficult conversations I have ever had with her, but she was graceful - and for that I am thankful. Neither of us understood why God wasn't allowing me back there, but it was clear that I was not to go. Shortly after our conversation, my brother showed up to help me move. I shared with him what was going on and though he never said it, I am certain he toyed with calling the psychiatric ward to come and have me hauled off. Instead, he offered for me and my dogs to come and stay with him and his family for as long as I needed. It would mean living with two boys, 3 and 6 years old. This was not what I had in mind, but at this point I was not walking in my own strength and oh by the way I HAD to be out of my apartment in 3 more days.
Uncertain of what God was doing, I left to take a few things to Goodwill and on my way there, God gave me a moment of peace in the midst of the chaos. Thinking back on the day and remembering the internal turmoil I was feeling brings a smile to my face because of what happened next. It reminds me that God cares about even the small details.... As I sat at the red light, I was in the far right lane of three lanes. I was behind a few cars and there were several cars behind me. Two lanes over, there were about 10 cars waiting to turn. Between our lane and the far left lane was an empty lane, no cars - just a little sparrow. I watched as I waited and this little bird had no care that on either side of her were vehicles that could take her life in a matter of seconds. She was eating something on the ground and eventually flew away. As I watched her, God reminded me of the verse in the bible from Matthew (6:25-27) where Jesus tells us not to worry about everyday life - whether we have enough food or drink or clothes. He says, "Look at the birds. They don't plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren't you far more valuable to Him than they are?" And with that, my fears were relieved. A few days later I moved in with my brother and his family while I waited up on the Lord.
Sometimes God allows us to go through events that are difficult to build our reliance on Him. It is a sad truth that if we never had difficulties, we would never depend on God alone. It has always been in times of trial that my faith grows. James 1:1-4 says, "Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing." But this was just the beginning. What God was about to do, I could never have imagined....
Friday, March 11, 2011
The Re-Beginning
The last several years have been such an amazing journey and I wish I had written down all that God has done in and through my life. However, slowly over the last year, I have managed to drift from the path that God had set out before me. Or maybe I was supposed to take this detour...
A couple months ago, I heard the song "The Motions" by Matthew West and it re-ignited the spark that I thought had long been snuffed out by daily life. The lyrics start, "This might hurt. It's not safe. But I know that I've gotta make a change. I don't care if I break, at least I'll be feeling something. because 'just okay' is not enough. Help me fight through the nothingness of life. I don't want to go through the motions. I don't want to go one more day without Your all-consuming passion inside of me. I don't want to spend my whole life asking, 'What if I had given everything instead of going through the motions?'" I know exactly when the slow fade happened, I can almost pin-point the exact moment my heart turned away - not from God, but from the path. It was in May, the end of May 2010 actually. It came at the end of a year of great loss and amazing growth in Christ. It was when things started to "wind down" and life went "back to normal" and I didn't need God the way I had in the year prior.
Over the next few blogs, I will give more insight into the events that occurred, but for now I want to focus in on the purpose of this blog. "No regrets, not this time. I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind. Let Your love make me whole. I think I am finally feeling something." are the next few verses of the song and that is where I want to go - I am going to let it all out, holding nothing back, living completely surrendered in Christ, my Savior!
How do we do that? Live surrenedered? Well, for starters, we trust God. There is no need to fear an unknown future to a God who has known us even before we were born. Stay tuned... God is working!!
A couple months ago, I heard the song "The Motions" by Matthew West and it re-ignited the spark that I thought had long been snuffed out by daily life. The lyrics start, "This might hurt. It's not safe. But I know that I've gotta make a change. I don't care if I break, at least I'll be feeling something. because 'just okay' is not enough. Help me fight through the nothingness of life. I don't want to go through the motions. I don't want to go one more day without Your all-consuming passion inside of me. I don't want to spend my whole life asking, 'What if I had given everything instead of going through the motions?'" I know exactly when the slow fade happened, I can almost pin-point the exact moment my heart turned away - not from God, but from the path. It was in May, the end of May 2010 actually. It came at the end of a year of great loss and amazing growth in Christ. It was when things started to "wind down" and life went "back to normal" and I didn't need God the way I had in the year prior.
Over the next few blogs, I will give more insight into the events that occurred, but for now I want to focus in on the purpose of this blog. "No regrets, not this time. I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind. Let Your love make me whole. I think I am finally feeling something." are the next few verses of the song and that is where I want to go - I am going to let it all out, holding nothing back, living completely surrendered in Christ, my Savior!
How do we do that? Live surrenedered? Well, for starters, we trust God. There is no need to fear an unknown future to a God who has known us even before we were born. Stay tuned... God is working!!
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