No snappy headline today kids....

Sometimes I think I may be losing my mind.  Today is one of those days.  From the beginning of the day and even now, I have been hurting and angry.  At the suggestion of a friend, I tried writing down all that I am thankful for then reading it aloud.  There is a lot that I have to be thankful for and I am.  I am grateful for my relationship with God even though I know I hurt him daily.  I am thankful for my church and the friends I have there.  I am thankful for A job, A place to lay my head and a car to drive.  And then of course my family, friends....  blah, blah, blah. 

The honest truth is that I feel slighted, angry and completely at odds with every aspect of my life.  satan is fighting hard right now and I feel I am buckling beneath the weight of his lies.  For Lent, I gave up sweets - cookies, candy, cake chocolate.  So daily I have been faced with strong temptation.  I am an addict and I cannot get a grip.  Since making the commitment, I have broken down 3 times with chocolate and probably pushed the envelope with the pastry and pop tarts I had for breakfast a few times.  I have talked to my roommates about my addiction and how difficult it is for me MANY times.  So when I returned from house-sitting two days ago to 5 boxes of Krispy Kreme, 2 packages of Oreos and a bag of jelly beans on the counter, all I wanted to do was cry.  So I did.  I went to my room and cried.  Would you leave beer all around the kitchen if you knew an alcoholic lived with you?  It hurts so bad that I cannot resist and that I feel such a pull toward the stuff.  But it hurts even worse that one of my longest and best friends doesn't care to try and help.  I know now why I was not supposed to move back into this environment.  Yes, this is the same person that God said "NO" to three years ago.  Tonight I talked to her and let her know that I am going to be looking for a new place to move and explained that it is not fair for me to ask her to give up her lifestyle because I cannot get a grip on mine.  I told her that I needed to get back closer to church and I had to get away from the environment.  She took it well, but like the last time I moved I anticipate I will be made to feel guilty until the day I move. 

And then there is the job....  I hate my job.  I am thankful to have A job, but I hate where I work.  I am so depressed about the job that I have gotten to a place where I am completely unapproachable and I want it that way.  Today, I blew up after only 15 minutes of being there because I was overwhelmed.  It made for a quiet day though.  The hard part is that I know I am ruining my testimony there and that my light is being put out.  But HOW do you fight through the feelings of despair? 

I don't WANT to feel this way, but I don't know any other way to feel.

And then there is the relationship...  if that is what you would call it.  I have been so down for so long now and he is pretty much of the opinion that I need to snap out of it.  So I pretend all is well as much as I can because that is really what he wants.  He doesn't want to deal with the real issues.  I have played the dress-up game before and I hate it with a passion.  But I love him.  And yet at this moment, I cannot tell you why.  I can tell you that the way he treats his children is quickly making me dislike him.  That his carelessness in what he says when he says it cuts me to the soul.  And his inconsideration makes me feel like a piece of dirt.  It wasn't always this way, but I saw it coming.  And now it hurts too much to think about being alone again. 

So there you go - home, work and central relationship are all in dire straights which leaves me where I am - wanting to just curl up into a ball and disappear.  I want to have the strength to fight, but I am so weak.  I cannot even pray right now. 

Usually I try to end each blog with something positive and tonight I don't feel like it so I am going to do it anyway.  I was reading "I Say A Prayer For Me" by Stanice Anderson - an auto-biograpy about her overcoming an addiction to heroin and alcohol.  I picked it up at Half Price Books for $2.00 and it is the best read I have had in a long time.  I can relate to the addiction - no sweets are not heroin and I am in NO way minimizing what this woman went through to get to the other side.  She is amazing.  Her story is amazing. The chapters consist of a story from her past as an addict or as she was in recovery followed by her thoughts on the subject in relation to her walk.  At the end of the chapter is a prayer that correlates and a scripture.  As God would have it tonight, these were the words I read....

"The eyes of faith call for us to look beyond what we can see, touch, or even feel.  The eyes of faith stretch to look to the invisible God who promises never to leave us nor forsake us.  With the eyes of faith, we come to believe that what He promises, He will deliver.  In that knowledge, we are comforted and, because of that comfort, we will, in time, comfort others with the same heartache."

And the scripture was from John 14:18 (NIV) - "I will not leave you comfortless; I will come to you."

Come to me God, dwell in my heart, comfort the pain and restore my soul.  Amen.

Just for Today....

"'For I know the plans I have for you,'says the Lord.  'They are plans to prosper you and not to harm you  To give you a future and a hope."  Jeremiah 29:11

Out of my first meeting with Ty and Brenda - my co-counselors, this is the verse that was given me.  I am trying to meditate on this and yet I don't see where I fit in.  I always feel discombobulated, uncomfortable and out of place.  I often want to do something and then I don't see how it could ever work, so I give up.  I am easily discouraged because I tend to believe the lies that satan tells.  Oh, if only I could hear God's voice as loudly as I hear the devil.  But that is another trick of satan.  He stands up and yells and jumps up and down - "Look at me, look over here.  LOOK!!!  LOOK!!!"  And all the while, during the time the child who throws a tantrum for attention, God is sitting there patiently waiting on me to get still in the midst of it all so that I can listen to His voice above the chaos.  If only I could turn the voice of satan down to mute.  I know there has to be a way. 

Of course this morning has been challenging because I actually got up and for the first time since Lent, I did my morning devotionals.  I recognize that now, at this moment - AFTER the rage already came and I scared the dogs into their crate.  I feel such a sense of failure.  I know that is satan's voice.  Lord, just for today - give me relief in the midst of what is going to be.  Just for today, show me your love in ways that are unexplainable.  Just for today, Lord - be by my side, coach my every step and reveal yourself.  Just for today be my shelter in the storm.  Just for today, be my strong tower.  Just for today, give ME your courage to face what is.  Lord, just for today..... 

And just for today, I am going to trust you with all that I have - my fears AND my failures, my hopes AND my fears, my dreams AND my nightmares, my loves AND my enemies - Lord reveal yourself to me.  Lord, as you whisper words of encouragement and love, give me the ability to hear amid the confusion that satan has created.  In fact, Lord just for today, BIND up his tongue so that the lies coming from his lips are garbled in a way that I cannot understand him.  Just for today, give me peace beyond understanding.  Just for today, give me ears that only hear you...  Just for today.  Amen and so be it.