Sometimes I think I may be losing my mind. Today is one of those days. From the beginning of the day and even now, I have been hurting and angry. At the suggestion of a friend, I tried writing down all that I am thankful for then reading it aloud. There is a lot that I have to be thankful for and I am. I am grateful for my relationship with God even though I know I hurt him daily. I am thankful for my church and the friends I have there. I am thankful for A job, A place to lay my head and a car to drive. And then of course my family, friends.... blah, blah, blah.
The honest truth is that I feel slighted, angry and completely at odds with every aspect of my life. satan is fighting hard right now and I feel I am buckling beneath the weight of his lies. For Lent, I gave up sweets - cookies, candy, cake chocolate. So daily I have been faced with strong temptation. I am an addict and I cannot get a grip. Since making the commitment, I have broken down 3 times with chocolate and probably pushed the envelope with the pastry and pop tarts I had for breakfast a few times. I have talked to my roommates about my addiction and how difficult it is for me MANY times. So when I returned from house-sitting two days ago to 5 boxes of Krispy Kreme, 2 packages of Oreos and a bag of jelly beans on the counter, all I wanted to do was cry. So I did. I went to my room and cried. Would you leave beer all around the kitchen if you knew an alcoholic lived with you? It hurts so bad that I cannot resist and that I feel such a pull toward the stuff. But it hurts even worse that one of my longest and best friends doesn't care to try and help. I know now why I was not supposed to move back into this environment. Yes, this is the same person that God said "NO" to three years ago. Tonight I talked to her and let her know that I am going to be looking for a new place to move and explained that it is not fair for me to ask her to give up her lifestyle because I cannot get a grip on mine. I told her that I needed to get back closer to church and I had to get away from the environment. She took it well, but like the last time I moved I anticipate I will be made to feel guilty until the day I move.
And then there is the job.... I hate my job. I am thankful to have A job, but I hate where I work. I am so depressed about the job that I have gotten to a place where I am completely unapproachable and I want it that way. Today, I blew up after only 15 minutes of being there because I was overwhelmed. It made for a quiet day though. The hard part is that I know I am ruining my testimony there and that my light is being put out. But HOW do you fight through the feelings of despair?
I don't WANT to feel this way, but I don't know any other way to feel.
And then there is the relationship... if that is what you would call it. I have been so down for so long now and he is pretty much of the opinion that I need to snap out of it. So I pretend all is well as much as I can because that is really what he wants. He doesn't want to deal with the real issues. I have played the dress-up game before and I hate it with a passion. But I love him. And yet at this moment, I cannot tell you why. I can tell you that the way he treats his children is quickly making me dislike him. That his carelessness in what he says when he says it cuts me to the soul. And his inconsideration makes me feel like a piece of dirt. It wasn't always this way, but I saw it coming. And now it hurts too much to think about being alone again.
So there you go - home, work and central relationship are all in dire straights which leaves me where I am - wanting to just curl up into a ball and disappear. I want to have the strength to fight, but I am so weak. I cannot even pray right now.
Usually I try to end each blog with something positive and tonight I don't feel like it so I am going to do it anyway. I was reading "I Say A Prayer For Me" by Stanice Anderson - an auto-biograpy about her overcoming an addiction to heroin and alcohol. I picked it up at Half Price Books for $2.00 and it is the best read I have had in a long time. I can relate to the addiction - no sweets are not heroin and I am in NO way minimizing what this woman went through to get to the other side. She is amazing. Her story is amazing. The chapters consist of a story from her past as an addict or as she was in recovery followed by her thoughts on the subject in relation to her walk. At the end of the chapter is a prayer that correlates and a scripture. As God would have it tonight, these were the words I read....
"The eyes of faith call for us to look beyond what we can see, touch, or even feel. The eyes of faith stretch to look to the invisible God who promises never to leave us nor forsake us. With the eyes of faith, we come to believe that what He promises, He will deliver. In that knowledge, we are comforted and, because of that comfort, we will, in time, comfort others with the same heartache."
And the scripture was from John 14:18 (NIV) - "I will not leave you comfortless; I will come to you."
Come to me God, dwell in my heart, comfort the pain and restore my soul. Amen.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Just for Today....
"'For I know the plans I have for you,'says the Lord. 'They are plans to prosper you and not to harm you To give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11
Out of my first meeting with Ty and Brenda - my co-counselors, this is the verse that was given me. I am trying to meditate on this and yet I don't see where I fit in. I always feel discombobulated, uncomfortable and out of place. I often want to do something and then I don't see how it could ever work, so I give up. I am easily discouraged because I tend to believe the lies that satan tells. Oh, if only I could hear God's voice as loudly as I hear the devil. But that is another trick of satan. He stands up and yells and jumps up and down - "Look at me, look over here. LOOK!!! LOOK!!!" And all the while, during the time the child who throws a tantrum for attention, God is sitting there patiently waiting on me to get still in the midst of it all so that I can listen to His voice above the chaos. If only I could turn the voice of satan down to mute. I know there has to be a way.
Of course this morning has been challenging because I actually got up and for the first time since Lent, I did my morning devotionals. I recognize that now, at this moment - AFTER the rage already came and I scared the dogs into their crate. I feel such a sense of failure. I know that is satan's voice. Lord, just for today - give me relief in the midst of what is going to be. Just for today, show me your love in ways that are unexplainable. Just for today, Lord - be by my side, coach my every step and reveal yourself. Just for today be my shelter in the storm. Just for today, be my strong tower. Just for today, give ME your courage to face what is. Lord, just for today.....
And just for today, I am going to trust you with all that I have - my fears AND my failures, my hopes AND my fears, my dreams AND my nightmares, my loves AND my enemies - Lord reveal yourself to me. Lord, as you whisper words of encouragement and love, give me the ability to hear amid the confusion that satan has created. In fact, Lord just for today, BIND up his tongue so that the lies coming from his lips are garbled in a way that I cannot understand him. Just for today, give me peace beyond understanding. Just for today, give me ears that only hear you... Just for today. Amen and so be it.
Out of my first meeting with Ty and Brenda - my co-counselors, this is the verse that was given me. I am trying to meditate on this and yet I don't see where I fit in. I always feel discombobulated, uncomfortable and out of place. I often want to do something and then I don't see how it could ever work, so I give up. I am easily discouraged because I tend to believe the lies that satan tells. Oh, if only I could hear God's voice as loudly as I hear the devil. But that is another trick of satan. He stands up and yells and jumps up and down - "Look at me, look over here. LOOK!!! LOOK!!!" And all the while, during the time the child who throws a tantrum for attention, God is sitting there patiently waiting on me to get still in the midst of it all so that I can listen to His voice above the chaos. If only I could turn the voice of satan down to mute. I know there has to be a way.
Of course this morning has been challenging because I actually got up and for the first time since Lent, I did my morning devotionals. I recognize that now, at this moment - AFTER the rage already came and I scared the dogs into their crate. I feel such a sense of failure. I know that is satan's voice. Lord, just for today - give me relief in the midst of what is going to be. Just for today, show me your love in ways that are unexplainable. Just for today, Lord - be by my side, coach my every step and reveal yourself. Just for today be my shelter in the storm. Just for today, be my strong tower. Just for today, give ME your courage to face what is. Lord, just for today.....
And just for today, I am going to trust you with all that I have - my fears AND my failures, my hopes AND my fears, my dreams AND my nightmares, my loves AND my enemies - Lord reveal yourself to me. Lord, as you whisper words of encouragement and love, give me the ability to hear amid the confusion that satan has created. In fact, Lord just for today, BIND up his tongue so that the lies coming from his lips are garbled in a way that I cannot understand him. Just for today, give me peace beyond understanding. Just for today, give me ears that only hear you... Just for today. Amen and so be it.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
The End of Me
"...Today I want to die. I want to get out of this life and on to the next. I am tired of fighting. Tired of failing. I am tired."
These were words I left on my computer just last night. Hopeless. This Christian walk is tough and I fail miserably daily. It doesn't matter how hard I try, how hard I fight, the failures come. I hurt constantly and I feel hopeless. I have struggled with depression my entire life and I feel like it will never get better. I feel alone always. Even being with someone doesn't mean that you are not alone. I have tried to go the path of least resistance and I have fought through the battles and have had a few victories.
Today, I had a most unexpected moment of realization. For my entire life I have been angry. Sure, there are days that I find things to be happy about, but the anger is always there - ready to surface. While recently evaluating our relationship, my gentleman friend (I feel way too old to use the title "boyfriend") expressed that what he needs from me is to be kind, caring, loving and not so angry. That was really hard to hear. But the truth usually is hard to hear. Over the years, I have battled against smoking, drinking, obesity, homosexuality, depression and anger. With God's help, I have overcome all of them with the exception of anger. (I am again waging war on the bulge, but at one time I lost 80 pounds with God, diet and exercise) What I felt at the beginning of each battle was complete defeat, then anger to the point of action. Last night, I felt the familiar hopelessness that comes before the rising of the Phoenix within. The hopelessness bled over into today and while at work, I was angry and put on my "leave me alone" face any time someone came around. Then my gentleman friend called and said he was on his way to my side of town and wanted to know if I could have lunch with him. I said "yes", but my gut instinct was to get angry and think, "Sure, if you are heading to this side of town for work, THAT is when you call me to have lunch." As is customary when I am full of myself, I had a nice, BIG, FAT slap in the face when I arrived and found out that he was worried about me and just wanted to make sure I was okay and that he did not have to work on that side of town. But being the jerk that I had already decided to be today, I managed to come up with some reason to take it out on him. And I wonder why I was alone for so many years....
After a discussion that ended with him calmly saying, "I think you need to get out of the car now," I got out of his and into mine before hurrying back to work. This was a shock to me... That someone could handle anger with the calmness that he did. He was not unkind or ugly to me - he had just simply had enough and needed time and space. He has never seen me truly angry - not the way my poor family has, but he has witnessed some minor atomic explosions. And today, I didn't get angry - in our discussion, I never raised my voice or name-called, but we were at an obvious impasse. Then this evening, during our relationship-eval when he said he needed for me to be less angry, I realized just how far I still have to go. I am a Christian. I should be "getting" these things by now. But I am so imperfect, so human. I am not sure what prompted the next part of our discussion, but I will liken it to vomiting. When you feel SO sick and you know that you have to vomit in order to feel better.... the intense wettening of the mouth, followed by the dreaded walk to the toilet that leads to sitting there staring into the water and praying that it go "quickly". All the while, you know that if you just get it over with, you will feel better. And then the heave comes...... I began telling him where my anger comes from. As I sit here typing the words, it is hard for me to believe that I opened myself up to anyone, let alone now sharing it in this forum.
As a child, I witnessed my mother's anger manifested in the physical sense - hitting walls, throwing thing, smacking us and yelling at us. A a young child and into my early teen years, I had a problem with bed-wetting. As a little one, you expect when you are hurting that you will be comforted by your mommy. You expect reassurance and love, kisses and hugs but when I had to wake her up from her sleeping to help me change my sheets, I was met with disdain and anger by words that cut instead of words that comfort. I very vivdly remember an incident when I was 7 when I woke up wet and instead of facing the anger, I changed my own sheets and cleaned myself up. It was that moment that confirmed the truth of my childhood - "I was not enough". Who can resist a child, especially their own? And yet, I do not blame my mother, she was dealing with her own pain. The fact remains that my spirit was broken as a child and I have carried the anger well into my adulthood. There is more but for the sake of keeping this semi-short, I will hasten on to the post-vomitous feeling of relief. After sharing the darkness of where my anger stems for maybe the first time in my life, I felt a little lighter. I still have a long way to go and I have decided it is time to address this demon. I made a call to the man who spoke Sunday morning in class. The one who talked about his own rage.
I know I need help. I know I cannot do it alone. Again, I am calling on God for his mercy. I have come to the end of me. "Though the battles rage.... Your blessings still will come" a line in Tim Hughes' "Give Us Your Courage". A line that I feel deeply in this moment.
These were words I left on my computer just last night. Hopeless. This Christian walk is tough and I fail miserably daily. It doesn't matter how hard I try, how hard I fight, the failures come. I hurt constantly and I feel hopeless. I have struggled with depression my entire life and I feel like it will never get better. I feel alone always. Even being with someone doesn't mean that you are not alone. I have tried to go the path of least resistance and I have fought through the battles and have had a few victories.
Today, I had a most unexpected moment of realization. For my entire life I have been angry. Sure, there are days that I find things to be happy about, but the anger is always there - ready to surface. While recently evaluating our relationship, my gentleman friend (I feel way too old to use the title "boyfriend") expressed that what he needs from me is to be kind, caring, loving and not so angry. That was really hard to hear. But the truth usually is hard to hear. Over the years, I have battled against smoking, drinking, obesity, homosexuality, depression and anger. With God's help, I have overcome all of them with the exception of anger. (I am again waging war on the bulge, but at one time I lost 80 pounds with God, diet and exercise) What I felt at the beginning of each battle was complete defeat, then anger to the point of action. Last night, I felt the familiar hopelessness that comes before the rising of the Phoenix within. The hopelessness bled over into today and while at work, I was angry and put on my "leave me alone" face any time someone came around. Then my gentleman friend called and said he was on his way to my side of town and wanted to know if I could have lunch with him. I said "yes", but my gut instinct was to get angry and think, "Sure, if you are heading to this side of town for work, THAT is when you call me to have lunch." As is customary when I am full of myself, I had a nice, BIG, FAT slap in the face when I arrived and found out that he was worried about me and just wanted to make sure I was okay and that he did not have to work on that side of town. But being the jerk that I had already decided to be today, I managed to come up with some reason to take it out on him. And I wonder why I was alone for so many years....
After a discussion that ended with him calmly saying, "I think you need to get out of the car now," I got out of his and into mine before hurrying back to work. This was a shock to me... That someone could handle anger with the calmness that he did. He was not unkind or ugly to me - he had just simply had enough and needed time and space. He has never seen me truly angry - not the way my poor family has, but he has witnessed some minor atomic explosions. And today, I didn't get angry - in our discussion, I never raised my voice or name-called, but we were at an obvious impasse. Then this evening, during our relationship-eval when he said he needed for me to be less angry, I realized just how far I still have to go. I am a Christian. I should be "getting" these things by now. But I am so imperfect, so human. I am not sure what prompted the next part of our discussion, but I will liken it to vomiting. When you feel SO sick and you know that you have to vomit in order to feel better.... the intense wettening of the mouth, followed by the dreaded walk to the toilet that leads to sitting there staring into the water and praying that it go "quickly". All the while, you know that if you just get it over with, you will feel better. And then the heave comes...... I began telling him where my anger comes from. As I sit here typing the words, it is hard for me to believe that I opened myself up to anyone, let alone now sharing it in this forum.
As a child, I witnessed my mother's anger manifested in the physical sense - hitting walls, throwing thing, smacking us and yelling at us. A a young child and into my early teen years, I had a problem with bed-wetting. As a little one, you expect when you are hurting that you will be comforted by your mommy. You expect reassurance and love, kisses and hugs but when I had to wake her up from her sleeping to help me change my sheets, I was met with disdain and anger by words that cut instead of words that comfort. I very vivdly remember an incident when I was 7 when I woke up wet and instead of facing the anger, I changed my own sheets and cleaned myself up. It was that moment that confirmed the truth of my childhood - "I was not enough". Who can resist a child, especially their own? And yet, I do not blame my mother, she was dealing with her own pain. The fact remains that my spirit was broken as a child and I have carried the anger well into my adulthood. There is more but for the sake of keeping this semi-short, I will hasten on to the post-vomitous feeling of relief. After sharing the darkness of where my anger stems for maybe the first time in my life, I felt a little lighter. I still have a long way to go and I have decided it is time to address this demon. I made a call to the man who spoke Sunday morning in class. The one who talked about his own rage.
I know I need help. I know I cannot do it alone. Again, I am calling on God for his mercy. I have come to the end of me. "Though the battles rage.... Your blessings still will come" a line in Tim Hughes' "Give Us Your Courage". A line that I feel deeply in this moment.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Rage + ugly sin + bumbling = Not Guilty by the Blood of the Cross
This morning I sat in Sunday School class and listened to a man talk about his anger issues and how God has been working on a slow transformation in his life. It is a steady and sometimes too slow process when we are living in a "give it to me now" society. But God doesn't work on our time...
I was reminded about my own rage in my life. While Sunday mornings for many meant getting ready and going to church, growing up in my household meant it was time for Mom's weekly rage-fit. I am not sure what it was about Sundays, but that was always the worst day of the week. The way I remember it - Dad would get up and make breakfast and shortly after the food was on the table, before we could even take the first bite, Mom would slam her fists on the table, begin to cry and then run off to the back of the house. At this point, Dad would go after her and I was left to comfort my younger brother and sister. Often, I was dealing with feelings of hurt and guilt since I never understood why she was so upset - I figured it was my fault. This eventually led to my own rage-fits where I would punch walls, throw things, break things, etc. Eventually, I just lived in anger all the time. Until many years later when God spoke to me through a $10 bill.
My friend Susan had been attending Salt of the Earth Baptist Church for several weeks and one afternoon she came over to visit and talked to me about "tithing" and how God had blessed her with money that was needed after she had tithed. I don't remember the entire story of what happened, but at the end of it, I was moved enough that I gave her $10 to "tithe" at church the next day. At the time, I was working as a waitress at Frisch's Big Boy and in a job like that, $10 was quite a chunk of money - but it was given in a moment of mustard-seed faith. As was customary, I worked most Sundays - the day after I gave Susan $10 to tithe was no different, except we were slower than usual and I had only one table - a very young family - the husband and wife were probably in their early 20's and their children were both under the age of 4. The mother of the wife was there as well enjoying the time with her family. I was able to spend extra time with the family and even played a game of "Hide and Seek" with the kiddos. Typically young families like this would leave smaller tips, if any at all because they didn't have much money to give. To my surprise, laying on the table when they left was a $10 bill. It was only a matter of seconds before I realized that God had given me back what I gave to Him earlier that day. That is not a reason to tithe, but God used that moment to bring a very naive young girl closer to Him. The following Sunday, I attended church with Susan and that began my walk with Christ.
But I still had anger issues and even now, 14 years later I still struggle with anger. God has yet to take that from me. Or maybe I have yet to let it go....
Following Sunday School class was a sermon about the basic gospel of Christ and giving Him our bucket - that thing which holds all our ugliest sins. It is so easy to look at someone else and judge them from what we see, but God sees our heart and judges us based on it's condition. We must give God all of us - our sin and shame too. Why? It is so ugly and wretched, why would I give God something so hideous? He deserves more than that - He deserves my best. But Christ came so that we might be made new - He came and asked us for our ugliness so that He could clean it up for us. He died on the cross for my ugliness - yet I hold back the darkest parts of me. Oh what an awakening this morning. My trip to the altar was not the tearful journey it has been so many times before - it was a statement of acceptance - a recognition that I know without Him and giving Him ALL of me, I will never find the peace that comes from complete surrender.
And yet, I know I will fail. I fail God daily. I still get angry and spout off. I don't hit things the way I used to. I don't throw and break things as I once did. But I am human and sometimes, it gets the best of me....
Then this evening, Pastor Robert preached about a "Bumbling David". David was "a man after God's own heart" and yet he bumbled his way through the wilderness. He made bad decisions and then was less than honest in covering them up. He acted hastily at times, but deep in his heart, he loved God and wanted to please God. And God knew that. It was an issue of the heart. This was like salve to my soul. I can sometimes get extremely "down" on myself because I expect more of me. I should make all the right decisions all the time and never complain and be the "perfect Christian" woman. But I am human. And I am with many faults. And yet, Christ loved me enough to die for all those faults. It was the Blood of Jesus that covered my sin - not just covered it, but washed it white.
Driving home tonight, I hit "shuffle" on the iPod and the song "Not Guilty" by Mandisa played and it was the perfect ending to a day of amazing awakenings.........
"I stand accused. There's a list a mile long of all my sins.
Of everything that I've done wrong. I am so ashamed.
There's no where left for me to hide.
This is the day I must answer for my life.
My fate is in the judge's hands.
But then he turns to me and says....
'I know you... I love you
I gave my life to save you.'
Love paid the price for mercy
My verdict: not guilty.
How can it be? I can't begin to comprehend
What kind of grace would take the place for all my sin
I stand in awe, now that I have been set free.
And the tears well up as I look at that cross
Because it should have been me.
My fate was in the nail-scarred hands -
He stretched them out for me and said,
'I know you... I love you
I gave my life to save you.'
Love paid the price for mercy
My verdict: not guilty.
I'm falling on my knees to thank you
With everything I am, I praise you
So grateful for the words I heard you say....
'I know you... I love you
I gave my life to save you.'
Love paid the price for mercy
My verdict: not guilty."
There is nothing I can do to make God love me - He just does.
And there is nothing I can do to make Him stop.
For that I will praise His name forever!
I was reminded about my own rage in my life. While Sunday mornings for many meant getting ready and going to church, growing up in my household meant it was time for Mom's weekly rage-fit. I am not sure what it was about Sundays, but that was always the worst day of the week. The way I remember it - Dad would get up and make breakfast and shortly after the food was on the table, before we could even take the first bite, Mom would slam her fists on the table, begin to cry and then run off to the back of the house. At this point, Dad would go after her and I was left to comfort my younger brother and sister. Often, I was dealing with feelings of hurt and guilt since I never understood why she was so upset - I figured it was my fault. This eventually led to my own rage-fits where I would punch walls, throw things, break things, etc. Eventually, I just lived in anger all the time. Until many years later when God spoke to me through a $10 bill.
My friend Susan had been attending Salt of the Earth Baptist Church for several weeks and one afternoon she came over to visit and talked to me about "tithing" and how God had blessed her with money that was needed after she had tithed. I don't remember the entire story of what happened, but at the end of it, I was moved enough that I gave her $10 to "tithe" at church the next day. At the time, I was working as a waitress at Frisch's Big Boy and in a job like that, $10 was quite a chunk of money - but it was given in a moment of mustard-seed faith. As was customary, I worked most Sundays - the day after I gave Susan $10 to tithe was no different, except we were slower than usual and I had only one table - a very young family - the husband and wife were probably in their early 20's and their children were both under the age of 4. The mother of the wife was there as well enjoying the time with her family. I was able to spend extra time with the family and even played a game of "Hide and Seek" with the kiddos. Typically young families like this would leave smaller tips, if any at all because they didn't have much money to give. To my surprise, laying on the table when they left was a $10 bill. It was only a matter of seconds before I realized that God had given me back what I gave to Him earlier that day. That is not a reason to tithe, but God used that moment to bring a very naive young girl closer to Him. The following Sunday, I attended church with Susan and that began my walk with Christ.
But I still had anger issues and even now, 14 years later I still struggle with anger. God has yet to take that from me. Or maybe I have yet to let it go....
Following Sunday School class was a sermon about the basic gospel of Christ and giving Him our bucket - that thing which holds all our ugliest sins. It is so easy to look at someone else and judge them from what we see, but God sees our heart and judges us based on it's condition. We must give God all of us - our sin and shame too. Why? It is so ugly and wretched, why would I give God something so hideous? He deserves more than that - He deserves my best. But Christ came so that we might be made new - He came and asked us for our ugliness so that He could clean it up for us. He died on the cross for my ugliness - yet I hold back the darkest parts of me. Oh what an awakening this morning. My trip to the altar was not the tearful journey it has been so many times before - it was a statement of acceptance - a recognition that I know without Him and giving Him ALL of me, I will never find the peace that comes from complete surrender.
And yet, I know I will fail. I fail God daily. I still get angry and spout off. I don't hit things the way I used to. I don't throw and break things as I once did. But I am human and sometimes, it gets the best of me....
Then this evening, Pastor Robert preached about a "Bumbling David". David was "a man after God's own heart" and yet he bumbled his way through the wilderness. He made bad decisions and then was less than honest in covering them up. He acted hastily at times, but deep in his heart, he loved God and wanted to please God. And God knew that. It was an issue of the heart. This was like salve to my soul. I can sometimes get extremely "down" on myself because I expect more of me. I should make all the right decisions all the time and never complain and be the "perfect Christian" woman. But I am human. And I am with many faults. And yet, Christ loved me enough to die for all those faults. It was the Blood of Jesus that covered my sin - not just covered it, but washed it white.
Driving home tonight, I hit "shuffle" on the iPod and the song "Not Guilty" by Mandisa played and it was the perfect ending to a day of amazing awakenings.........
"I stand accused. There's a list a mile long of all my sins.
Of everything that I've done wrong. I am so ashamed.
There's no where left for me to hide.
This is the day I must answer for my life.
My fate is in the judge's hands.
But then he turns to me and says....
'I know you... I love you
I gave my life to save you.'
Love paid the price for mercy
My verdict: not guilty.
How can it be? I can't begin to comprehend
What kind of grace would take the place for all my sin
I stand in awe, now that I have been set free.
And the tears well up as I look at that cross
Because it should have been me.
My fate was in the nail-scarred hands -
He stretched them out for me and said,
'I know you... I love you
I gave my life to save you.'
Love paid the price for mercy
My verdict: not guilty.
I'm falling on my knees to thank you
With everything I am, I praise you
So grateful for the words I heard you say....
'I know you... I love you
I gave my life to save you.'
Love paid the price for mercy
My verdict: not guilty."
There is nothing I can do to make God love me - He just does.
And there is nothing I can do to make Him stop.
For that I will praise His name forever!
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Sweet Temptation
I entered the room and as I surveyed the area, that familiar swelling of anger mixed with disappointment rose in my chest. I walked around the table and with each step, my resolve was tested. As I sat down in the chair and slid up to the table, there before me glaring at and chiding me was my nemesis. I could hear the faint, yet all too familiar "nah nah nah nah nah nah" taunt. The anger sat in my throat - such a bitter taste. Inside I was fighting two demons - temptation and anger. Or was it anger and temptation. Maybe it was anger at the temptation or temptation of anger. At any rate, I sat there under the weight of the fight. Was this going to be the day I finally lost? Would today, just one week after making the covenant be the day that she won?
Pastries, ice cream, cake, sweets, chocolate - the things I gave up for Lent. The things to which I am so addicted, I decided to give up as a reminder of what Christ experienced while facing the 40 days of temptation. As I sat there face to face with coffee cake, tootsie rolls and life savers, I thought about the trials of the last seven days... On the first day of Lent, a co-worker who has NEVER offered any food item to me, brought in 4 chocolate chip muffins and could have offered one to any other of our 15 co-workers, but she called me down to her office for the sole purpose of offering me a chocolate chip muffin. On Thursday, I had reprieve but only in preparation of the days to come. Friday, I went to a gathering at a fellow church member’s home where there was pie, cookies, cake and I believe brownies as well. Saturday, I walked in the door to my roommates unloading groceries that consisted of industrial size bags of mixed Hershey’s candies and Reese’s Cups and a box of Drumsticks, followed by my father’s birthday party and the customary cake and ice cream. In Sunday school class, there was coffee cake. Monday and Tuesday brought with them no unusual temptations, but then today…. Oh yes, today – I had the immense burden of sitting for a 7 hour meeting with candy within arm’s reach – taunting me. Like an addict coming off of his drug, I began with the destructive self-talk… “Only one Life Saver – no one would know or care.” “Just one Tootsie Roll – who would notice?” I couldn’t help but wonder about the 40 days Jesus spent in the wilderness and did He experience the physical pull and pain of the temptation. Did He wonder if He was going to fail the test? Did He almost fail? Did He feel like he was losing his mind? Did He hunger for “just a taste”? Did He have the thing that was tempting him in his hand and have to throw it down and run away?
As our meeting ended around 3:30 PM, I went into the break room to get a cup of coffee and there on the table were the remnants of the coffee cake from the morning. It was just me and the coffee cake – no one else around. I tried to pretend it wasn’t there, but it called out to me and I looked her square in the gooey cinnamon crunch and walked away. Today, God had the victory. Shortly after the moment of triumph, my dear friend text me with a link to Ann Voskamp’s blog at www.aholyexperience.com. As I read about her similar Lent experience of fasting from ingratitude, I felt a kinship with Ann. She quoted Dietrich Bonhoeffer: “Self-denial means knowing only Christ and no longer oneself. It means seeing only Christ, who goes ahead of us, and no longer the path that is too difficult for us. Again, self-denial is saying only: He goes ahead of us; hold fast to him.” These words brought comfort and camaraderie to a girl who felt very alone today. Ann says, “I fast during Lent because I want to really feel the panting wrestle with the appetites of my flesh and taste my hunger for the Grace of God.”
Lord, help me to hunger for you more than anything else in this world. Amen.
Pastries, ice cream, cake, sweets, chocolate - the things I gave up for Lent. The things to which I am so addicted, I decided to give up as a reminder of what Christ experienced while facing the 40 days of temptation. As I sat there face to face with coffee cake, tootsie rolls and life savers, I thought about the trials of the last seven days... On the first day of Lent, a co-worker who has NEVER offered any food item to me, brought in 4 chocolate chip muffins and could have offered one to any other of our 15 co-workers, but she called me down to her office for the sole purpose of offering me a chocolate chip muffin. On Thursday, I had reprieve but only in preparation of the days to come. Friday, I went to a gathering at a fellow church member’s home where there was pie, cookies, cake and I believe brownies as well. Saturday, I walked in the door to my roommates unloading groceries that consisted of industrial size bags of mixed Hershey’s candies and Reese’s Cups and a box of Drumsticks, followed by my father’s birthday party and the customary cake and ice cream. In Sunday school class, there was coffee cake. Monday and Tuesday brought with them no unusual temptations, but then today…. Oh yes, today – I had the immense burden of sitting for a 7 hour meeting with candy within arm’s reach – taunting me. Like an addict coming off of his drug, I began with the destructive self-talk… “Only one Life Saver – no one would know or care.” “Just one Tootsie Roll – who would notice?” I couldn’t help but wonder about the 40 days Jesus spent in the wilderness and did He experience the physical pull and pain of the temptation. Did He wonder if He was going to fail the test? Did He almost fail? Did He feel like he was losing his mind? Did He hunger for “just a taste”? Did He have the thing that was tempting him in his hand and have to throw it down and run away?
As our meeting ended around 3:30 PM, I went into the break room to get a cup of coffee and there on the table were the remnants of the coffee cake from the morning. It was just me and the coffee cake – no one else around. I tried to pretend it wasn’t there, but it called out to me and I looked her square in the gooey cinnamon crunch and walked away. Today, God had the victory. Shortly after the moment of triumph, my dear friend text me with a link to Ann Voskamp’s blog at www.aholyexperience.com. As I read about her similar Lent experience of fasting from ingratitude, I felt a kinship with Ann. She quoted Dietrich Bonhoeffer: “Self-denial means knowing only Christ and no longer oneself. It means seeing only Christ, who goes ahead of us, and no longer the path that is too difficult for us. Again, self-denial is saying only: He goes ahead of us; hold fast to him.” These words brought comfort and camaraderie to a girl who felt very alone today. Ann says, “I fast during Lent because I want to really feel the panting wrestle with the appetites of my flesh and taste my hunger for the Grace of God.”
Lord, help me to hunger for you more than anything else in this world. Amen.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Where Joy and Sorrow Meet
Six days after Vicki passed away, on May 21st, my friend and boss, Cheryl had an "episode" while in a meeting and was encouraged by one of her colleagues to go to the doctor immediately. For weeks, even a few months, Cheryl had been experiencing headaches, sensitivity to light, exhaustion and forgetfulness. I had known Cheryl for about 5 years at this point and had worked with her for 3 of those years in two different jobs. One of the things that I always admired and appreciated was Cheryl's almost un-human ability to remember details. Every concern was ALWAYS addressed - nothing was overlooked. AND, she had the proof to back it up! But more recently, I had caught her slipping and just figured that she was human and capable of error. After some persuasion, she called her doctor and was able to get in that afternoon, but she had to leave right away. That evening, I called to see how she was doing and she was on her way from Columbus, IN to Indianapolis for more testing because she had a tumor. My heart sank.
In the previous months during Vicki's steady decline, Cheryl had given me so much flexibility to work from home and adjust my schedule so that I could assist with Vicki's care. Also in that time, Cheryl found the Lord. I was blessed beyond measure to have been a part of that journey with her. And here she was, a test already. I had sensed a deep peace within Cheryl since her discovery of Jesus Christ. And this did not waiver at the impending diagnosis.
The next day, May 22nd, my mother called me at work and wanted to make sure I was sitting down. Immediately, my heart sank - I knew something was terribly wrong. She explained that early in the morning, my favorite great-aunt, Lona had died in a fire. It seemed cruel and unusual. But God was involved and soon the dark, scary, forboding was replaced with peace, stillness and joy as the days wore on. I later learned that Lona, 85 years-young had recently told her daughter that she was ready whenever God was ready for her, she said she had lived along and happy life. But the most beautiful part of the story were the details that the fire was started by a lightening strike, that while Lona was burned beyond recognition despite her son's attempt to get her out of the home, she was already dead. There was no smoke in her lungs. But even more amazing, her entire trailer home was destroyed - NOTHING left. Except... her untouched bible, still open to the last words she read here on earth. In the midst of sadness, God will fill you with unspeakable joy.
At the beginning of June, Cheryl had surgery to remove the tumor, then shortly after started chemo and radiation. By October, the doctors realized that neither was working and the tumor was still growing. They decided to try something new and at her next MRI, she found out that the tumor had stopped growing!!! Finally some good news!
On the 5th of November, I received a call from Dad that my cousin, Jimmy had died early in the morning. There were no details, but they thought it was an overdose. My brother and sister and I decided to go to Buffalo, NY to be with family during the showing and funeral. It was a trip that I am now thankful I took for many reason. I prayed before going, on the way, while there and had others praying as well. It was a difficult time and the untimely and unnecessary death of a 24 year-old is something I never again want to experience.
In the meantime, Cheryl had started falling and was showing signs of weakness in her left leg. On December 2nd, she went to the hospital for some additional testing and they decided to keep her while doing some additional testing. The next day, on her 48th birthday, she found out that she now had a tumor growing through her spine. For the next two weeks, the doctors tried radiation and it got to be too painful and shortly before Christmas, Cheryl was moved to hospice.
It was around the time that I received the call that my grandmother, who lives in Buffalo, NY was having some testing done because she had not had an appetite, lost quite a bit of weight and was excessively tired. It was not long before we found out that she had stage 4 Pancreatic cancer. And the hits just kept on coming. I am not sure how, but my faith grew in this time of tragedy after tragedy. I was at peace because my grandma is a faithful Christian woman, secure in her salvation. But none-the-less, this was a lot to carry and my heart kept breaking over and over again.
From the time that Cheryl was diagnosed, friendships formed that would never have happened. Lives were transformed by her faith and courage. Like Vicki, she never complained or asked, "why me?" I will forever cherish the time I spent with Cheryl. One of the last times we had any mutual interaction, I had the honor of feeding her chocolate pudding. As I wiped her mouth, she looked into my eyes and there was an understanding, an unspoken moment of recognition, something beautiful - no words were said and there are no words to describe what wasn't said in that moment. A few days later on December 28th, I went with Cheryl's boss to visit her in Columbus and realized just how exhausted Cheryl's husband and sister were - they had been staying there day and night - getting little to no rest. I decided to go back that night and stay with them so that they could sleep and I would stay up with Cheryl. We knew the time was drawing near - her breathing had become shallow and raspy. That night, I sat by my friend's bed, holding her hand and several times throughout the night, tears poured. So much had happened in the time that we had known each other. She challenged me to let the little things go, find my joy and live in the now. I had watched her go from inquisitive about faith to a life lived for Christ. The flood of emotions was, at times, too much to bear. At one point when both Kye and Patty were asleep, I laid my head down on her hand as I held it and she tightened her grip for about 3 minutes. It was our last good-bye. I left early the next morning and went home to sleep. I went in later to work and then rode down with Cheryl's sister-in-law to visit again that night. I will ever be thankful for that evening and the time with Cheryl and her family. It was shortly after midnight - 12:26 AM that the call came - it was Patty saying that Cheryl had passed peacefully just moments ago. I spent New Year's Day 2010 burying one of my best friends.
A few weeks after Cheryl was buried, sometime in mid-February, my supervisor hesitantly informed us that Ken, another co-worker was diagnosed with stage 4 Lung cancer. With tears in his eyes, he explained that the state was looking for ways to cut the budget for our contract and no one really knew what that meant, except there is no security in our jobs.
And then on March 2, 2010, I received a call at 6:40PM from one of my co-workers, Deb. She asked if I was driving. I was not. She asked if I was ok. I was. Then she went on to explain that Cindy, the Director of Outreach, where I work, Lois, one of the Administrative Assistants and Bonnie, one of the nurses was in a head-on collision just after leaving work on Tuesday evening. She went on to say that Bonnie and Lois didn't make it. Bonnie died at the scene while Lois passed away at the hospital. On the day of their funerals (the first and hopefully last time I will ever attend two in one day), while on the way back to Indianapolis from North Vernon an e-mail went out to the remaining staff that the following day we had a conference call to discuss the job cuts at Outreach. We learned in the meeting that we were going to lose about half of the staff we had remaining. Need I point out that we had just lost 3 staff to death in a matter of three months and another of our co-workers was battling stage 4 lung cancer?
Week after week, intense sadness, unspeakable pain and then mid-April, my father tried calling his mother and for the first time ever she said she was too tired to talk with him. We knew her time here on earth was nearing the end so my parents began making plans to go to Buffalo and spend what little time she had left with her. In the midst of trying to get ready to go see his mother, my other grandmother (my mom's mom) had been experiencing dimentia-like symptoms and we were all afraid to leave her alone. She lived in her own apartment but was decreasing in her ability to reason. My parents asked if I would stay with my grandmother while they went to Buffalo to be with my dying grandmother. On April 21, the day before they were to leave for Buffalo, I stopped by my parent's house to finalize the plans regarding my grandma. My dad received the call that his mother was being transported to hospice via an ambulance. As he and I sat talking, the phone rang and it was my uncle saying she had passed away in the ambulance.
A little over a month later, on June 1, I learned that the State of Indiana had decided to cut our program out completely. On June 30th, I would become one of the rapidly-growing statistics and no longer be employed.
In less than one year, I lost four family members, a best friend, two co-workers and my source of income. There are no words to describe how much I hurt. And yet, I had peace. Unspeakable, indescribable, unexplainable peace. In the midst of all the pain and tragedy, I learned to depend solely on God. As my world spun out of control, God did not calm the storm - rather, He calmed His child.
In the midst of all these events, one Sunday morning our choir sang the song "Where Joy and Sorrow Meet" and for the first time since all this started in 2008, there were words to describe what I had been feeling...
"There's a place of quiet stillness 'tween the light and shadows reach
Where the hurting and the hopeless seek everlasting peace
Words of men and songs of angels whisper comfort bittersweet
Mending grief and life eternal where joy and sorrow meet
There is a place where hope remains
In crowns of thorns and crimson stains
And tears that fall on Jesus' feet
Where joy and sorrow meet
There's a place the lost surrender and the weary will retreat
Full of grace and mercy tender in times of unbelief
For the wounded there is healing, strength is given to the weak
Broken hearts find love redeeming where joy and sorrow meet
There's a place of thirst and hunger where the roots of faith grow deep
And there is rain and rolling thunder when the road is rough and steep
There is hope in desperation there is victory in defeat
At the cross of restoration where joy and sorrow meet"
I look back at that day that I was faced with the choice of following God or myself and remember the intense feeling of knowing that I was not to move that day with my former roommate or I would regret it. I now know what I might have missed had I decided to go with self. Would I have missed out on sorrow? Maybe. Would I have missed out on pain? Possibly. Would I have missed some of the most amazing miracles witnessed? Without a doubt. I would have missed opportunities to walk closer with God because of another's close walk. I would have skimmed over the best days of my life. I would never have known love everlasting, complete forgiveness, immeasurable kindness in the ways that I have experienced.
So, with a heart broken by loss and mended by Christ, in the footsteps of those that have gone before, I walk the road of faith. I stand upon the Solid Rock and say, "The LORD is my strength and shield. I trust Him with all my heart. He helps me, and fills my heart with joy. I burst out in songs of thanksgiving." Psalm 28:7 AMEN!
In the previous months during Vicki's steady decline, Cheryl had given me so much flexibility to work from home and adjust my schedule so that I could assist with Vicki's care. Also in that time, Cheryl found the Lord. I was blessed beyond measure to have been a part of that journey with her. And here she was, a test already. I had sensed a deep peace within Cheryl since her discovery of Jesus Christ. And this did not waiver at the impending diagnosis.
The next day, May 22nd, my mother called me at work and wanted to make sure I was sitting down. Immediately, my heart sank - I knew something was terribly wrong. She explained that early in the morning, my favorite great-aunt, Lona had died in a fire. It seemed cruel and unusual. But God was involved and soon the dark, scary, forboding was replaced with peace, stillness and joy as the days wore on. I later learned that Lona, 85 years-young had recently told her daughter that she was ready whenever God was ready for her, she said she had lived along and happy life. But the most beautiful part of the story were the details that the fire was started by a lightening strike, that while Lona was burned beyond recognition despite her son's attempt to get her out of the home, she was already dead. There was no smoke in her lungs. But even more amazing, her entire trailer home was destroyed - NOTHING left. Except... her untouched bible, still open to the last words she read here on earth. In the midst of sadness, God will fill you with unspeakable joy.
At the beginning of June, Cheryl had surgery to remove the tumor, then shortly after started chemo and radiation. By October, the doctors realized that neither was working and the tumor was still growing. They decided to try something new and at her next MRI, she found out that the tumor had stopped growing!!! Finally some good news!
On the 5th of November, I received a call from Dad that my cousin, Jimmy had died early in the morning. There were no details, but they thought it was an overdose. My brother and sister and I decided to go to Buffalo, NY to be with family during the showing and funeral. It was a trip that I am now thankful I took for many reason. I prayed before going, on the way, while there and had others praying as well. It was a difficult time and the untimely and unnecessary death of a 24 year-old is something I never again want to experience.
In the meantime, Cheryl had started falling and was showing signs of weakness in her left leg. On December 2nd, she went to the hospital for some additional testing and they decided to keep her while doing some additional testing. The next day, on her 48th birthday, she found out that she now had a tumor growing through her spine. For the next two weeks, the doctors tried radiation and it got to be too painful and shortly before Christmas, Cheryl was moved to hospice.
It was around the time that I received the call that my grandmother, who lives in Buffalo, NY was having some testing done because she had not had an appetite, lost quite a bit of weight and was excessively tired. It was not long before we found out that she had stage 4 Pancreatic cancer. And the hits just kept on coming. I am not sure how, but my faith grew in this time of tragedy after tragedy. I was at peace because my grandma is a faithful Christian woman, secure in her salvation. But none-the-less, this was a lot to carry and my heart kept breaking over and over again.
From the time that Cheryl was diagnosed, friendships formed that would never have happened. Lives were transformed by her faith and courage. Like Vicki, she never complained or asked, "why me?" I will forever cherish the time I spent with Cheryl. One of the last times we had any mutual interaction, I had the honor of feeding her chocolate pudding. As I wiped her mouth, she looked into my eyes and there was an understanding, an unspoken moment of recognition, something beautiful - no words were said and there are no words to describe what wasn't said in that moment. A few days later on December 28th, I went with Cheryl's boss to visit her in Columbus and realized just how exhausted Cheryl's husband and sister were - they had been staying there day and night - getting little to no rest. I decided to go back that night and stay with them so that they could sleep and I would stay up with Cheryl. We knew the time was drawing near - her breathing had become shallow and raspy. That night, I sat by my friend's bed, holding her hand and several times throughout the night, tears poured. So much had happened in the time that we had known each other. She challenged me to let the little things go, find my joy and live in the now. I had watched her go from inquisitive about faith to a life lived for Christ. The flood of emotions was, at times, too much to bear. At one point when both Kye and Patty were asleep, I laid my head down on her hand as I held it and she tightened her grip for about 3 minutes. It was our last good-bye. I left early the next morning and went home to sleep. I went in later to work and then rode down with Cheryl's sister-in-law to visit again that night. I will ever be thankful for that evening and the time with Cheryl and her family. It was shortly after midnight - 12:26 AM that the call came - it was Patty saying that Cheryl had passed peacefully just moments ago. I spent New Year's Day 2010 burying one of my best friends.
A few weeks after Cheryl was buried, sometime in mid-February, my supervisor hesitantly informed us that Ken, another co-worker was diagnosed with stage 4 Lung cancer. With tears in his eyes, he explained that the state was looking for ways to cut the budget for our contract and no one really knew what that meant, except there is no security in our jobs.
And then on March 2, 2010, I received a call at 6:40PM from one of my co-workers, Deb. She asked if I was driving. I was not. She asked if I was ok. I was. Then she went on to explain that Cindy, the Director of Outreach, where I work, Lois, one of the Administrative Assistants and Bonnie, one of the nurses was in a head-on collision just after leaving work on Tuesday evening. She went on to say that Bonnie and Lois didn't make it. Bonnie died at the scene while Lois passed away at the hospital. On the day of their funerals (the first and hopefully last time I will ever attend two in one day), while on the way back to Indianapolis from North Vernon an e-mail went out to the remaining staff that the following day we had a conference call to discuss the job cuts at Outreach. We learned in the meeting that we were going to lose about half of the staff we had remaining. Need I point out that we had just lost 3 staff to death in a matter of three months and another of our co-workers was battling stage 4 lung cancer?
Week after week, intense sadness, unspeakable pain and then mid-April, my father tried calling his mother and for the first time ever she said she was too tired to talk with him. We knew her time here on earth was nearing the end so my parents began making plans to go to Buffalo and spend what little time she had left with her. In the midst of trying to get ready to go see his mother, my other grandmother (my mom's mom) had been experiencing dimentia-like symptoms and we were all afraid to leave her alone. She lived in her own apartment but was decreasing in her ability to reason. My parents asked if I would stay with my grandmother while they went to Buffalo to be with my dying grandmother. On April 21, the day before they were to leave for Buffalo, I stopped by my parent's house to finalize the plans regarding my grandma. My dad received the call that his mother was being transported to hospice via an ambulance. As he and I sat talking, the phone rang and it was my uncle saying she had passed away in the ambulance.
A little over a month later, on June 1, I learned that the State of Indiana had decided to cut our program out completely. On June 30th, I would become one of the rapidly-growing statistics and no longer be employed.
In less than one year, I lost four family members, a best friend, two co-workers and my source of income. There are no words to describe how much I hurt. And yet, I had peace. Unspeakable, indescribable, unexplainable peace. In the midst of all the pain and tragedy, I learned to depend solely on God. As my world spun out of control, God did not calm the storm - rather, He calmed His child.
In the midst of all these events, one Sunday morning our choir sang the song "Where Joy and Sorrow Meet" and for the first time since all this started in 2008, there were words to describe what I had been feeling...
"There's a place of quiet stillness 'tween the light and shadows reach
Where the hurting and the hopeless seek everlasting peace
Words of men and songs of angels whisper comfort bittersweet
Mending grief and life eternal where joy and sorrow meet
There is a place where hope remains
In crowns of thorns and crimson stains
And tears that fall on Jesus' feet
Where joy and sorrow meet
There's a place the lost surrender and the weary will retreat
Full of grace and mercy tender in times of unbelief
For the wounded there is healing, strength is given to the weak
Broken hearts find love redeeming where joy and sorrow meet
There's a place of thirst and hunger where the roots of faith grow deep
And there is rain and rolling thunder when the road is rough and steep
There is hope in desperation there is victory in defeat
At the cross of restoration where joy and sorrow meet"
I look back at that day that I was faced with the choice of following God or myself and remember the intense feeling of knowing that I was not to move that day with my former roommate or I would regret it. I now know what I might have missed had I decided to go with self. Would I have missed out on sorrow? Maybe. Would I have missed out on pain? Possibly. Would I have missed some of the most amazing miracles witnessed? Without a doubt. I would have missed opportunities to walk closer with God because of another's close walk. I would have skimmed over the best days of my life. I would never have known love everlasting, complete forgiveness, immeasurable kindness in the ways that I have experienced.
So, with a heart broken by loss and mended by Christ, in the footsteps of those that have gone before, I walk the road of faith. I stand upon the Solid Rock and say, "The LORD is my strength and shield. I trust Him with all my heart. He helps me, and fills my heart with joy. I burst out in songs of thanksgiving." Psalm 28:7 AMEN!
Monday, March 14, 2011
The Blood of Jesus Christ
I came with nothing left inside -
I tried too long to hide, I was full of pride and lust and I lied - not like the bride of Christ should be…
I was desperate, lonely, wanting something more.
I gave everything just to get something and settled for anything… but had nothing.
Broken and bruised, I was so confused – used and led astray by the way that leads away from the straight path.
I couldn’t last another day this way… Afraid for my life, full of strife and SO angry.
I beat against the walls of my mind, trying to find a light to turn on and show me the way, but in darkness, I stayed…
This is the price I must pay for my blatant disregard…. GOD, help me now, I don’t know how to bow down…
Yet I cower beneath this tower of confusion and pain… blame… shame – I HATE THE WAY I FEEL TODAY!!!
But… it is no different than any other day…
As I lay my head down for the night, the fight begins against the height of my pride, but try as I might, I cannot see the light because of the fright inside, hiding the truth.
Empty, I am so lost. And I don’t want to go on this way.
But it is the ONLY way I know so…
I go through the motions, concealing my emotions…
I fall deeper into the pit of despair as I struggle for air, wrestling against the bear within.
Do I dare expose myself to the unfair judgment of those who don’t REALLY care????
Who am I trying to please anyway?
Lost and alone, I fight against the wind – trying to defend what little pride I have left.
But it is hopeless at best because I am NOTHING, NO ONE…. just a piece of dust, full of lust for what this world
has to offer.
I have tasted it all, yet hungered for more and thirsted… for something… to satisfy.
I writhe in pain, full of disdain for what I became and I want to blame.
But the only name that came to mind was MINE!!!!!!!!
Oh GOD!!! How can I go on?!?!
I fall on my knees, begging… please, LORD, don’t leave me this way… I scratch against the inside of my mind, desperate to claw my way out… only digging myself deeper into the pit, unaware of the answer to my prayer hanging before me…
My face deep in the mire, I writhe in pain, caught up in the blame game when……….
I feel a rush of warmth cascade over my body.
With the last bit of strength, I lift up my head to see what is pouring down on me and I cannot believe the sight!
I see the answer right in front of me.
Upon a tree, my personified iniquity.
I am frozen.
Blood spilling from His body, washing over me, cleansing me white?
What is this I feel? Is it real?
A man whose name I am so unworthy to say – so perfect in EVERY way… by MY hands He was slain – for the sin of my pride, the One I turned away, cursed His name and denied in shame!
But He loved me anyway?
How can it be that He would see something worthy in me????? I do NOT deserve this gift He is giving.
But, I cannot deny that it makes life worth living!!!
I drink the wine of His blood, taste the bread of His body and for the FIRST TIME, I am satisfied….
I do NOT deserve this forgiveness, but it is ENDLESS – covering my EVERY transgression
So I progress on… to a place I never knew existed.
I hung Him on that cross with my selfishness and with His selflessness, He took MY place.
How can I ever face what I have done?
Guilt floods my mind as I open my eyes and realize
It had to be – it was the ONLY way it COULD be to set me free from my iniquity –
Else, I’d burn eternally.
I bow down before my King, I give Him EVERYTHING
ALL OF ME – the good, bad and even the wretched ugly.
And in turn, He sets me free, cleanses my eyes that I might see…
Blind once, NOW I SEE
Dead before, now I am FREE!!!
Free from death, with my every breath, I’ll praise His name, Christ Jesus came.
The chains fall away and no more am I captive!!
Freedom was not free –
I was bought with a price.
The ULTIMATE sacrifice.
The BLOOD OF JESUS CHRIST!!!!!!!!
I tried too long to hide, I was full of pride and lust and I lied - not like the bride of Christ should be…
I was desperate, lonely, wanting something more.
I gave everything just to get something and settled for anything… but had nothing.
Broken and bruised, I was so confused – used and led astray by the way that leads away from the straight path.
I couldn’t last another day this way… Afraid for my life, full of strife and SO angry.
I beat against the walls of my mind, trying to find a light to turn on and show me the way, but in darkness, I stayed…
This is the price I must pay for my blatant disregard…. GOD, help me now, I don’t know how to bow down…
Yet I cower beneath this tower of confusion and pain… blame… shame – I HATE THE WAY I FEEL TODAY!!!
But… it is no different than any other day…
As I lay my head down for the night, the fight begins against the height of my pride, but try as I might, I cannot see the light because of the fright inside, hiding the truth.
Empty, I am so lost. And I don’t want to go on this way.
But it is the ONLY way I know so…
I go through the motions, concealing my emotions…
I fall deeper into the pit of despair as I struggle for air, wrestling against the bear within.
Do I dare expose myself to the unfair judgment of those who don’t REALLY care????
Who am I trying to please anyway?
Lost and alone, I fight against the wind – trying to defend what little pride I have left.
But it is hopeless at best because I am NOTHING, NO ONE…. just a piece of dust, full of lust for what this world
has to offer.
I have tasted it all, yet hungered for more and thirsted… for something… to satisfy.
I writhe in pain, full of disdain for what I became and I want to blame.
But the only name that came to mind was MINE!!!!!!!!
Oh GOD!!! How can I go on?!?!
I fall on my knees, begging… please, LORD, don’t leave me this way… I scratch against the inside of my mind, desperate to claw my way out… only digging myself deeper into the pit, unaware of the answer to my prayer hanging before me…
My face deep in the mire, I writhe in pain, caught up in the blame game when……….
I feel a rush of warmth cascade over my body.
With the last bit of strength, I lift up my head to see what is pouring down on me and I cannot believe the sight!
I see the answer right in front of me.
Upon a tree, my personified iniquity.
I am frozen.
Blood spilling from His body, washing over me, cleansing me white?
What is this I feel? Is it real?
A man whose name I am so unworthy to say – so perfect in EVERY way… by MY hands He was slain – for the sin of my pride, the One I turned away, cursed His name and denied in shame!
But He loved me anyway?
How can it be that He would see something worthy in me????? I do NOT deserve this gift He is giving.
But, I cannot deny that it makes life worth living!!!
I drink the wine of His blood, taste the bread of His body and for the FIRST TIME, I am satisfied….
I do NOT deserve this forgiveness, but it is ENDLESS – covering my EVERY transgression
So I progress on… to a place I never knew existed.
I hung Him on that cross with my selfishness and with His selflessness, He took MY place.
How can I ever face what I have done?
Guilt floods my mind as I open my eyes and realize
It had to be – it was the ONLY way it COULD be to set me free from my iniquity –
Else, I’d burn eternally.
I bow down before my King, I give Him EVERYTHING
ALL OF ME – the good, bad and even the wretched ugly.
And in turn, He sets me free, cleanses my eyes that I might see…
Blind once, NOW I SEE
Dead before, now I am FREE!!!
Free from death, with my every breath, I’ll praise His name, Christ Jesus came.
The chains fall away and no more am I captive!!
Freedom was not free –
I was bought with a price.
The ULTIMATE sacrifice.
The BLOOD OF JESUS CHRIST!!!!!!!!
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