I entered the room and as I surveyed the area, that familiar swelling of anger mixed with disappointment rose in my chest. I walked around the table and with each step, my resolve was tested. As I sat down in the chair and slid up to the table, there before me glaring at and chiding me was my nemesis. I could hear the faint, yet all too familiar "nah nah nah nah nah nah" taunt. The anger sat in my throat - such a bitter taste. Inside I was fighting two demons - temptation and anger. Or was it anger and temptation. Maybe it was anger at the temptation or temptation of anger. At any rate, I sat there under the weight of the fight. Was this going to be the day I finally lost? Would today, just one week after making the covenant be the day that she won?
Pastries, ice cream, cake, sweets, chocolate - the things I gave up for Lent. The things to which I am so addicted, I decided to give up as a reminder of what Christ experienced while facing the 40 days of temptation. As I sat there face to face with coffee cake, tootsie rolls and life savers, I thought about the trials of the last seven days... On the first day of Lent, a co-worker who has NEVER offered any food item to me, brought in 4 chocolate chip muffins and could have offered one to any other of our 15 co-workers, but she called me down to her office for the sole purpose of offering me a chocolate chip muffin. On Thursday, I had reprieve but only in preparation of the days to come. Friday, I went to a gathering at a fellow church member’s home where there was pie, cookies, cake and I believe brownies as well. Saturday, I walked in the door to my roommates unloading groceries that consisted of industrial size bags of mixed Hershey’s candies and Reese’s Cups and a box of Drumsticks, followed by my father’s birthday party and the customary cake and ice cream. In Sunday school class, there was coffee cake. Monday and Tuesday brought with them no unusual temptations, but then today…. Oh yes, today – I had the immense burden of sitting for a 7 hour meeting with candy within arm’s reach – taunting me. Like an addict coming off of his drug, I began with the destructive self-talk… “Only one Life Saver – no one would know or care.” “Just one Tootsie Roll – who would notice?” I couldn’t help but wonder about the 40 days Jesus spent in the wilderness and did He experience the physical pull and pain of the temptation. Did He wonder if He was going to fail the test? Did He almost fail? Did He feel like he was losing his mind? Did He hunger for “just a taste”? Did He have the thing that was tempting him in his hand and have to throw it down and run away?
As our meeting ended around 3:30 PM, I went into the break room to get a cup of coffee and there on the table were the remnants of the coffee cake from the morning. It was just me and the coffee cake – no one else around. I tried to pretend it wasn’t there, but it called out to me and I looked her square in the gooey cinnamon crunch and walked away. Today, God had the victory. Shortly after the moment of triumph, my dear friend text me with a link to Ann Voskamp’s blog at www.aholyexperience.com. As I read about her similar Lent experience of fasting from ingratitude, I felt a kinship with Ann. She quoted Dietrich Bonhoeffer: “Self-denial means knowing only Christ and no longer oneself. It means seeing only Christ, who goes ahead of us, and no longer the path that is too difficult for us. Again, self-denial is saying only: He goes ahead of us; hold fast to him.” These words brought comfort and camaraderie to a girl who felt very alone today. Ann says, “I fast during Lent because I want to really feel the panting wrestle with the appetites of my flesh and taste my hunger for the Grace of God.”
Lord, help me to hunger for you more than anything else in this world. Amen.
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