Where Joy and Sorrow Meet

Six days after Vicki passed away, on May 21st, my friend and boss, Cheryl had an "episode" while in a meeting and was encouraged by one of her colleagues to go to the doctor immediately. For weeks, even a few months, Cheryl had been experiencing headaches, sensitivity to light, exhaustion and forgetfulness. I had known Cheryl for about 5 years at this point and had worked with her for 3 of those years in two different jobs. One of the things that I always admired and appreciated was Cheryl's almost un-human ability to remember details. Every concern was ALWAYS addressed - nothing was overlooked. AND, she had the proof to back it up!  But more recently, I had caught her slipping and just figured that she was human and capable of error. After some persuasion, she called her doctor and was able to get in that afternoon, but she had to leave right away. That evening, I called to see how she was doing and she was on her way from Columbus, IN to Indianapolis for more testing because she had a tumor. My heart sank.

In the previous months during Vicki's steady decline, Cheryl had given me so much flexibility to work from home and adjust my schedule so that I could assist with Vicki's care. Also in that time, Cheryl found the Lord. I was blessed beyond measure to have been a part of that journey with her. And here she was, a test already. I had sensed a deep peace within Cheryl since her discovery of Jesus Christ. And this did not waiver at the impending diagnosis.

The next day, May 22nd, my mother called me at work and wanted to make sure I was sitting down.  Immediately, my heart sank - I knew something was terribly wrong. She explained that early in the morning, my favorite great-aunt, Lona had died in a fire. It seemed cruel and unusual. But God was involved and soon the dark, scary, forboding was replaced with peace, stillness and joy as the days wore on. I later learned that Lona, 85 years-young had recently told her daughter that she was ready whenever God was ready for her, she said she had lived along and happy life.  But the most beautiful part of the story were the details that the fire was started by a lightening strike, that while Lona was burned beyond recognition despite her son's attempt to get her out of the home, she was already dead.  There was no smoke in her lungs.  But even more amazing, her entire trailer home was destroyed - NOTHING left. Except... her untouched bible, still open to the last words she read here on earth. In the midst of sadness, God will fill you with unspeakable joy.

At the beginning of June, Cheryl had surgery to remove the tumor, then shortly after started chemo and radiation. By October, the doctors realized that neither was working and the tumor was still growing. They decided to try something new and at her next MRI, she found out that the tumor had stopped growing!!! Finally some good news!

On the 5th of November, I received a call from Dad that my cousin, Jimmy had died early in the morning. There were no details, but they thought it was an overdose. My brother and sister and I decided to go to Buffalo, NY to be with family during the showing and funeral. It was a trip that I am now thankful I took for many reason. I prayed before going, on the way, while there and had others praying as well. It was a difficult time and the untimely and unnecessary death of a 24 year-old is something I never again want to experience.

In the meantime, Cheryl had started falling and was showing signs of weakness in her left leg. On December 2nd, she went to the hospital for some additional testing and they decided to keep her while doing some additional testing. The next day, on her 48th birthday, she found out that she now had a tumor growing through her spine. For the next two weeks, the doctors tried radiation and it got to be too painful and shortly before Christmas, Cheryl was moved to hospice.

It was around the time that I received the call that my grandmother, who lives in Buffalo, NY was having some testing done because she had not had an appetite, lost quite a bit of weight and was excessively tired. It was not long before we found out that she had stage 4 Pancreatic cancer. And the hits just kept on coming. I am not sure how, but my faith grew in this time of tragedy after tragedy.  I was at peace because my grandma is a faithful Christian woman, secure in her salvation. But none-the-less, this was a lot to carry and my heart kept breaking over and over again.

From the time that Cheryl was diagnosed, friendships formed that would never have happened. Lives were transformed by her faith and courage. Like Vicki, she never complained or asked, "why me?" I will forever cherish the time I spent with Cheryl. One of the last times we had any mutual interaction, I had the honor of feeding her chocolate pudding.  As I wiped her mouth, she looked into my eyes and there was an understanding, an unspoken moment of recognition, something beautiful - no words were said and there are no words to describe what wasn't said in that moment. A few days later on December 28th, I went with Cheryl's boss to visit her in Columbus and realized just how exhausted Cheryl's husband and sister were - they had been staying there day and night - getting little to no rest. I decided to go back that night and stay with them so that they could sleep and I would stay up with Cheryl. We knew the time was drawing near - her breathing had become shallow and raspy. That night, I sat by my friend's bed, holding her hand and several times throughout the night, tears poured. So much had happened in the time that we had known each other. She challenged me to let the little things go, find my joy and live in the now. I had watched her go from inquisitive about faith to a life lived for Christ. The flood of emotions was, at times, too much to bear. At one point when both Kye and Patty were asleep, I laid my head down on her hand as I held it and she tightened her grip for about 3 minutes. It was our last good-bye. I left early the next morning and went home to sleep. I went in later to work and then rode down with Cheryl's sister-in-law to visit again that night. I will ever be thankful for that evening and the time with Cheryl and her family. It was shortly after midnight - 12:26 AM that the call came - it was Patty saying that Cheryl had passed peacefully just moments ago. I spent New Year's Day 2010 burying one of my best friends.

A few weeks after Cheryl was buried, sometime in mid-February, my supervisor hesitantly informed us that Ken, another co-worker was diagnosed with stage 4 Lung cancer.  With tears in his eyes, he explained that the state was looking for ways to cut the budget for our contract and no one really knew what that meant, except there is no security in our jobs.

And then on March 2, 2010, I received a call at 6:40PM from one of my co-workers, Deb. She asked if I was driving. I was not. She asked if I was ok. I was. Then she went on to explain that Cindy, the Director of Outreach, where I work, Lois, one of the Administrative Assistants and Bonnie, one of the nurses was in a head-on collision just after leaving work on Tuesday evening. She went on to say that Bonnie and Lois didn't make it. Bonnie died at the scene while Lois passed away at the hospital.  On the day of their funerals (the first and hopefully last time I will ever attend two in one day), while on the way back to Indianapolis from North Vernon an e-mail went out to the remaining staff that the following day we had a conference call to discuss the job cuts at Outreach.  We learned in the meeting that we were going to lose about half of the staff we had remaining.  Need I point out that we had just lost 3 staff to death in a matter of three months and another of our co-workers was battling stage 4 lung cancer?

Week after week, intense sadness, unspeakable pain and then mid-April, my father tried calling his mother and for the first time ever she said she was too tired to talk with him.  We knew her time here on earth was nearing the end so my parents began making plans to go to Buffalo and spend what little time she had left with her.   In the midst of trying to get ready to go see his mother, my other grandmother (my mom's mom) had been experiencing dimentia-like symptoms and we were all afraid to leave her alone. She lived in her own apartment but was decreasing in her ability to reason.  My parents asked if I would stay with my grandmother while they went to Buffalo to be with my dying grandmother.  On April 21, the day before they were to leave for Buffalo, I stopped by my parent's house to finalize the plans regarding my grandma.  My dad received the call that his mother was being transported to hospice via an ambulance.  As he and I sat talking, the phone rang and it was my uncle saying she had passed away in the ambulance. 

A little over a month later, on June 1, I learned that the State of Indiana had decided to cut our program out completely.  On June 30th, I would become one of the rapidly-growing statistics and no longer be employed.

In less than one year, I lost four family members, a best friend, two co-workers and my source of income.  There are no words to describe how much I hurt.  And yet, I had peace.  Unspeakable, indescribable, unexplainable peace.  In the midst of all the pain and tragedy, I learned to depend solely on God.  As my world spun out of control, God did not calm the storm - rather, He calmed His child.

In the midst of all these events, one Sunday morning our choir sang the song "Where Joy and Sorrow Meet" and for the first time since all this started in 2008, there were words to describe what I had been feeling...

"There's a place of quiet stillness 'tween the light and shadows reach
Where the hurting and the hopeless seek everlasting peace
Words of men and songs of angels whisper comfort bittersweet
Mending grief and life eternal where joy and sorrow meet
There is a place where hope remains
In crowns of thorns and crimson stains
And tears that fall on Jesus' feet
Where joy and sorrow meet
There's a place the lost surrender and the weary will retreat
Full of grace and mercy tender in times of unbelief
For the wounded there is healing, strength is given to the weak
Broken hearts find love redeeming where joy and sorrow meet
There's a place of thirst and hunger where the roots of faith grow deep
And there is rain and rolling thunder when the road is rough and steep
There is hope in desperation there is victory in defeat
At the cross of restoration where joy and sorrow meet"

I look back at that day that I was faced with the choice of following God or myself and remember the intense feeling of knowing that I was not to move that day with my former roommate or I would regret it. I now know what I might have missed had I decided to go with self. Would I have missed out on sorrow? Maybe. Would I have missed out on pain? Possibly. Would I have missed some of the most amazing miracles witnessed? Without a doubt. I would have missed opportunities to walk closer with God because of another's close walk. I would have skimmed over the best days of my life. I would never have known love everlasting, complete forgiveness, immeasurable kindness in the ways that I have experienced.

So, with a heart broken by loss and mended by Christ, in the footsteps of those that have gone before, I walk the road of faith. I stand upon the Solid Rock and say, "The LORD is my strength and shield. I trust Him with all my heart. He helps me, and fills my heart with joy. I burst out in songs of thanksgiving." Psalm 28:7 AMEN!