This morning I sat in Sunday School class and listened to a man talk about his anger issues and how God has been working on a slow transformation in his life. It is a steady and sometimes too slow process when we are living in a "give it to me now" society. But God doesn't work on our time...
I was reminded about my own rage in my life. While Sunday mornings for many meant getting ready and going to church, growing up in my household meant it was time for Mom's weekly rage-fit. I am not sure what it was about Sundays, but that was always the worst day of the week. The way I remember it - Dad would get up and make breakfast and shortly after the food was on the table, before we could even take the first bite, Mom would slam her fists on the table, begin to cry and then run off to the back of the house. At this point, Dad would go after her and I was left to comfort my younger brother and sister. Often, I was dealing with feelings of hurt and guilt since I never understood why she was so upset - I figured it was my fault. This eventually led to my own rage-fits where I would punch walls, throw things, break things, etc. Eventually, I just lived in anger all the time. Until many years later when God spoke to me through a $10 bill.
My friend Susan had been attending Salt of the Earth Baptist Church for several weeks and one afternoon she came over to visit and talked to me about "tithing" and how God had blessed her with money that was needed after she had tithed. I don't remember the entire story of what happened, but at the end of it, I was moved enough that I gave her $10 to "tithe" at church the next day. At the time, I was working as a waitress at Frisch's Big Boy and in a job like that, $10 was quite a chunk of money - but it was given in a moment of mustard-seed faith. As was customary, I worked most Sundays - the day after I gave Susan $10 to tithe was no different, except we were slower than usual and I had only one table - a very young family - the husband and wife were probably in their early 20's and their children were both under the age of 4. The mother of the wife was there as well enjoying the time with her family. I was able to spend extra time with the family and even played a game of "Hide and Seek" with the kiddos. Typically young families like this would leave smaller tips, if any at all because they didn't have much money to give. To my surprise, laying on the table when they left was a $10 bill. It was only a matter of seconds before I realized that God had given me back what I gave to Him earlier that day. That is not a reason to tithe, but God used that moment to bring a very naive young girl closer to Him. The following Sunday, I attended church with Susan and that began my walk with Christ.
But I still had anger issues and even now, 14 years later I still struggle with anger. God has yet to take that from me. Or maybe I have yet to let it go....
Following Sunday School class was a sermon about the basic gospel of Christ and giving Him our bucket - that thing which holds all our ugliest sins. It is so easy to look at someone else and judge them from what we see, but God sees our heart and judges us based on it's condition. We must give God all of us - our sin and shame too. Why? It is so ugly and wretched, why would I give God something so hideous? He deserves more than that - He deserves my best. But Christ came so that we might be made new - He came and asked us for our ugliness so that He could clean it up for us. He died on the cross for my ugliness - yet I hold back the darkest parts of me. Oh what an awakening this morning. My trip to the altar was not the tearful journey it has been so many times before - it was a statement of acceptance - a recognition that I know without Him and giving Him ALL of me, I will never find the peace that comes from complete surrender.
And yet, I know I will fail. I fail God daily. I still get angry and spout off. I don't hit things the way I used to. I don't throw and break things as I once did. But I am human and sometimes, it gets the best of me....
Then this evening, Pastor Robert preached about a "Bumbling David". David was "a man after God's own heart" and yet he bumbled his way through the wilderness. He made bad decisions and then was less than honest in covering them up. He acted hastily at times, but deep in his heart, he loved God and wanted to please God. And God knew that. It was an issue of the heart. This was like salve to my soul. I can sometimes get extremely "down" on myself because I expect more of me. I should make all the right decisions all the time and never complain and be the "perfect Christian" woman. But I am human. And I am with many faults. And yet, Christ loved me enough to die for all those faults. It was the Blood of Jesus that covered my sin - not just covered it, but washed it white.
Driving home tonight, I hit "shuffle" on the iPod and the song "Not Guilty" by Mandisa played and it was the perfect ending to a day of amazing awakenings.........
"I stand accused. There's a list a mile long of all my sins.
Of everything that I've done wrong. I am so ashamed.
There's no where left for me to hide.
This is the day I must answer for my life.
My fate is in the judge's hands.
But then he turns to me and says....
'I know you... I love you
I gave my life to save you.'
Love paid the price for mercy
My verdict: not guilty.
How can it be? I can't begin to comprehend
What kind of grace would take the place for all my sin
I stand in awe, now that I have been set free.
And the tears well up as I look at that cross
Because it should have been me.
My fate was in the nail-scarred hands -
He stretched them out for me and said,
'I know you... I love you
I gave my life to save you.'
Love paid the price for mercy
My verdict: not guilty.
I'm falling on my knees to thank you
With everything I am, I praise you
So grateful for the words I heard you say....
'I know you... I love you
I gave my life to save you.'
Love paid the price for mercy
My verdict: not guilty."
There is nothing I can do to make God love me - He just does.
And there is nothing I can do to make Him stop.
For that I will praise His name forever!
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