I try to remember where it began - The Journey. It is impossible to pin-point because every time I think, "I'll start there", I am reminded of a previous event/moment/awakening. So for the sake of getting started somewhere, I will start with the moment God began a new work in me.
Early in 2008, I was sitting in my apartment and God began speaking to me about my life. To clarify, I did not hear an actual voice, per say. It was more of an echo in my heart that was familiar and I know it was God speaking through the Holy Spirit. It was almost a "Christmas Carol" moment where the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future took me down this dark hall of who I had been and if I continued, the person I would become. He showed me what I had - a nice apartment with my two dogs, a way too expenisve car, nice things, nice clothes, etc. From the outside, it all looked so beautiful, but inside I was a wretch. God began revealing to me was that there was no substance. For the previous ten years, I had been attending the same church and while a few people knew who I was, there were many more who would probably not even recognize my face or know my name. For years, I wallowed in self-pity, getting upset and thinking that the people there didn't care or want to be a part of my life or they would make an effort to get to know me.... What God showed me is that I was the one who did not care or want to be a part of my life, much less anyone else's life. OUCH! And thus began the moment when God began something new in my life.
It was not long after that eye-opening experience when I began getting rid of the "things" in my life. I started with cleaning out closets, desk drawers, clothes, books, CDs and eventually moved to the furniture. I downsized my car to minimize my payments and be more economical. During this process I got rid of most all my "wants" and kept only what I truly needed. In this process, I decided to move back in with my old room mate. But from the moment we began rearranging their apartment to accomodate what I had left, something was bothering me in the core of my soul... It was just a few days before the scheduled move when I stopped by the apartment to drop off some clothes and got sick while there. It was not from anything I had eaten, I had no virus or anything that "caused" it. I had this overwhelming feeling that I was making a mistake I would forever regret. However, I continued on in that direction because of many reasons - money, she was a second mom to my dogs, convenience and most of all because I knew her - she was dependable and trustworthy. By all standards, from anyone's perspective it was the logical thing to do. But on the morning of April 27, 2008, the day I was supposed to move, I had a meltdown. God was screaming "NO!" via the Holy Spirit. I knew in that moment, if I moved back in with her, I would regret it the rest of my life. But this seemed crazy - it was just a move with someone I had lived with before. Looking back from the perspective of having walked through that leg of my journey, I understand what God was doing, but at the time - it was illogical. It was silly. It made no sense. But what I have come to know about the character of God is that He knows better than we do and He rarely works to the human standard of logic. I had to make a decision that day - follow God or follow self.
We talk about faith in a cerebral-sense, but practicing faith is not easy. It sounds nice - "to have faith". But true faith walks into an unknown situation, despite all the logical reasons why not to - with fear in her heart, but peace in her soul.
Telling Susan I would not be moving in may have been one of the most difficult conversations I have ever had with her, but she was graceful - and for that I am thankful. Neither of us understood why God wasn't allowing me back there, but it was clear that I was not to go. Shortly after our conversation, my brother showed up to help me move. I shared with him what was going on and though he never said it, I am certain he toyed with calling the psychiatric ward to come and have me hauled off. Instead, he offered for me and my dogs to come and stay with him and his family for as long as I needed. It would mean living with two boys, 3 and 6 years old. This was not what I had in mind, but at this point I was not walking in my own strength and oh by the way I HAD to be out of my apartment in 3 more days.
Uncertain of what God was doing, I left to take a few things to Goodwill and on my way there, God gave me a moment of peace in the midst of the chaos. Thinking back on the day and remembering the internal turmoil I was feeling brings a smile to my face because of what happened next. It reminds me that God cares about even the small details.... As I sat at the red light, I was in the far right lane of three lanes. I was behind a few cars and there were several cars behind me. Two lanes over, there were about 10 cars waiting to turn. Between our lane and the far left lane was an empty lane, no cars - just a little sparrow. I watched as I waited and this little bird had no care that on either side of her were vehicles that could take her life in a matter of seconds. She was eating something on the ground and eventually flew away. As I watched her, God reminded me of the verse in the bible from Matthew (6:25-27) where Jesus tells us not to worry about everyday life - whether we have enough food or drink or clothes. He says, "Look at the birds. They don't plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren't you far more valuable to Him than they are?" And with that, my fears were relieved. A few days later I moved in with my brother and his family while I waited up on the Lord.
Sometimes God allows us to go through events that are difficult to build our reliance on Him. It is a sad truth that if we never had difficulties, we would never depend on God alone. It has always been in times of trial that my faith grows. James 1:1-4 says, "Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing." But this was just the beginning. What God was about to do, I could never have imagined....
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